There are alot of people who are thriving during this pandemic,  extolling the virtues of powering through pain, or chastising you for not setting big, hairy audacious dreams during lockdown 2.0. Others publish rapid weight loss pictures, a shadow of their former selves. Some are in niche industries growing exponentially, profits sky rocketing, a veritable gravy train working record hours, sprinting to keep up as the coffers keep filling.

And then there are those who are not.

There are I believe many, many who are silently suffering right now. Who wake each day, perhaps a fraction early, secreting themselves away, so they can privately grieve. Then once those feelings are released, or perhaps better said the pressure is temporarily reduced, all of that emotional suffering is boxed back up and a face of positivity is presented to the world. It reminds me of a Robin Williams quote: "All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never know how broken you are." So it is to them, the silently suffering I'd like to share some ideas to alleviate that inner pain.

Speak to others, but choose them wisely

A problem shared is a problem halved. Except not always. Choosing the individual judiciously to whom we share our inner angst is critical. I've sat and listened to tales of exquisite agony by individuals who sought out support, only to find that the alleged supporter weaponsied the moment, assumed a position of superiority by divulging how they in contrast were doing great. Resulting in the sharer slinking away feeling inadequate and shamed. This kind of belittling is subtle but achingly corrosive and often borne out of choosing our allies quickly because of the urgency of the upset, rather than wisely because we deserve to take our time. It is an act of singular courage to open up and admit upset, if that act of valour is not met with honour, walk away and promise yourself that individual will never be invited to your inner sanctum again.

Compassion for others is wisdom, compassion for the self is essential

Clients frequently shudder when I raise the question of self compassion, but I've come to recognise that that is often borne of a misapprehension. Namely, that self compassion is synonymous with self pity. This could not be further from the truth. Dr Kristin Neff, a researcher into self compassion created the self compassion scale that self diagnoses how compassionate you are to yourself. (https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/ ). Why is this important? First, it's key to answer the concerns that often arise in the face of self kindness: 'I'll lose my edge', 'it's just self indulgent, navel gazing', 'you've got to push through, otherwise you'll dissolve into a puddle of passivity.' I've heard all of these and many more and as Dr Neff has categorically evidenced this is simply, scientifically, not the case. If its high performance that motivates you, then those who show greater levels of self compassion demonstrate increased resilience and are more able to sustain through periods of adversity. More Neff research speaks to how self compassion reduces feelings of hopelessness and helplessness as it cultivates an inner support, contingent on the self, rather than external validation which can be unreliable.

My simpler position is this, if I, you, can't be kind to yourself when you're suffering, how can we extend that meaningfully to others? If being compassionate raises revulsion in yourself ask gently, with curiousity, why is that? Do you equate suffering with weakness? Is hurting a sign of inadequacy for you? If so,where did that come from and perhaps more key, is being like that to yourself helping or harming? After all, would you turn to a little toddler who'd just fallen over and say, 'Get up you little dummy?' Hopefully not. Any parent wants to sweep up the cute bundle of smallness, reassure, cuddle, coax a smile and then see them on their way-don't you deserve that same support?

Compare but don't compete

 'Comparison is the thief of joy.' (Teddy Rosevelt) Humans compare, we scope, size up and then judge ourselves on where we are comparative to where we think we should be. It's a crucifying process and cripplingly self defeating because there will always be those futher along, thriving, thinner and so on. There is a way however, of using that comparative tendency for good and that's in gently challenging our inner narrative of 'hard done by'. If I find myself slipping into a moment of self pity, the first step I take is one of self compassion. Dismissing or trashing feelings of depletion doesn't see them quietly pack their bags and leave, heads nodding in agreeement at their inadequacy. Repression or suppression leads to projection. That which I bury in myself, I simply push out. The outward picture therefore being a consequence of an inward condition. So self compassion first to accept where I am. Next step is a nod to the past, namely the deliberate recollection of surviving worse, moving through hard times and the transient nature of each moment, good and bad. Finally, it's the exercising of my old ally humility. Yes, I maybe suffering and yes, the situation maybe unfair, unwarranted, unjust but also there are those who've suffered far, far worse. The survivors of the explosion in Beirut, Damien Echols and his freedom from a decade of solitary confinement after a total miscarriage of injustice or the utterly inspiring and humbling biography of Sue Klebold, who in her book A Mother's Reckoning (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Reckoning-Living-Aftermath-Tragedy/dp/1101902752)recounts a hauntingly exquisite capture of learning to live with the actions of her son Dylan Klebold at Columbine. They are extreme comparisons I choose, and I choose them deliberately. If those individuals can survive such agonising experiences, and not only survive, but go onto become the very best examples of humanity, then so can I, and in that moment, the self pity will part and I will chuckle at my narrative.

Challenge your inner voice

There is one person who we listen to all day, every day. Ourselves. Or better said, the composite, internal narrative which is a melding of all and every influence we've retained on life's long journey. Some of those voices have been kind, wise, insightful and helpful. Others less so, some down right demonic. Just like watching a TV channel is a choice, so is how much attention we dedicate to our inner soliloquy. YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, Instagram are all platforms vying for our data, our attention. Our mind is no different. We can pause, hold awareness and focus on an inner lecture that helps or we can swipe right. It is a choice, subsequent on our agreement. For many of those I am privileged to support, the challenging of the mind is one of the greatest epiphanies. You do not have to believe every thought, nor do you have to listen to it. You can turn away- exercise that control, execute on that mandate, be your best protector.

Acceptance and Patience

In these days of instant gratification, feeling impotent or not being able to influence change can quickly escalate into confrontation. The feeling of discomfort, of a situation not being as we like, can cause an emotional squirming of toddler like intolerance. We aren't children any more. Life is not fair and frequently good people lose and bad people win. Acceptance I find is one of the most sophisticated life lessons, true masterclass level. It's a tight rope of balancing judgement with a craze for action. So many times, the phrase 'Control the controllables' is trotted out in workshops and indeed it's true, but it doesn't mean it's easy. I want to control that insanely noisey neighbour who is thoughtless and intrusive, I want to control that work colleague whose let me down again and not delivered on time and in budget. The red mist of anger and injustice can be thick, heavy and compulsive, but ultimately inaction is often the wisest path. Patience isn't passivity. It's phenomenal discipline borne out of a recognition that in this moment I am not deciding with my right mind and it would be wise to wait until that access is restored. Accepting things as they are, rather than as we would like them to be, is painful, often grief inducing but it is the mark of wisdom. Frustration can be never ending, a desire to push things along because relief is the other side of this obstacle right now. But relief isn't a distant dream, it's here, now within our grasp and knowing we can assuage that angst within and by ourselves? That has to be the greatest freeing thought of all.

"So I had this dream..." In days of old that phrase would trigger an internal eye roll followed by mentally checking out as I was regaled  with noctural wanderings. Now, a little humbler and hopefully alot more informed, my ears prick when there is a reference to dreams, particularly currently with all of my clients, who without exception, are having the most vivid dreams, not all welcome. Myself included. So what does it all mean and what can I do with these night time messengers?

Theories on Dreams

There are as many theories about dreaming as there are dreams.  The subject saw the split between the two psychological monoliths, Jung and Freud. Freud rather typically saw night time quests as an insight into the repressed desires of the psyche, unexpressed during waking hours, roaring with sexual repression and maniacal egoic rampages. Jung took a slightly less animalistic view, seeing dreams as the whisperings of the subconscious seeking to share insights missed during the waking state, all as part of the journey towards individuation and the dawn of self actualisation.

Modern neuroscience takes an unsurprisingly altogether more clinical perspective. David Eagleman, the prolific writer on all things brain related, argues in his latest publication Liverwired (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Livewired-Inside-Story-Ever-Changing-Brain/dp/030790749X) that dreams are simply ways by which the visual cortex maintains neurological real estate during hours of darkness. Night time being a distinctive disadvantage for this part of the brain, since inactivity could see other brain regions cannabalise those neural networks for differing phsyiological purposes.

A middle way - psychotherapeutic perspective

There is a way to synergise all of these positions wilst gaining some practical guidance using personal discernment. Dreams can at their simplest be mental spring cleaning; the brain's way to sort, process and discard the billions of data points received throughout the course of the day. Hence, familiar scenarios arising that unfolded during our waking hours. However, what is worth drilling into are nightmares, night terrors or dreams (including positive ones), with intense emotions. Those have more import, particularly the characters present, actions we take and decisions we make. So let's start with the dark side first.

Nightmares, nocturnal blue lights

Any strong emotion that's aroused at night is often the way the body and mind processes the distresing in a more controlled medium. It would be borderline overwhelming to have frightening emotions pervade our working hours on top of the day to day. So the scary journeys at night facilitate that process. It is worth paying attention to what is experienced, physically and emotionally. Who is present? What significance are they in your life? How are you feeling? Anxious? Terrified? Frozen? Slowly unpicking a dream can liberate astonishing insights into aspects of the self that we may have chosen to ignore. James Hollis in his riveting book, Through the Dark Woods, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life (Through-Dark-Wood-Finding-Meaning/dp/1591796792) shares his ceaseless amazement at the messages in dreams his clients seemed unable to penetrate that were blindingly obvious to him, the proverbial woods for the trees. Examples included the revisiting of childhood moments, often forgetten until this visceral re-enactment. The episode of bulllying, the running from terrifying animals. What was particularly notable were recurring dreams, plaguing the incumbent with repeated nights of distress. However, we are not victim to our night visions, we can control the outcome, as lucid dreamers well know. One memorable dream I heard relayed, was an experience of being chased by hideous monsters. Each night, the dream would be the same, the dreamer racing through woodlands, hearing behind her the gnashings and noises of her deadly persuers. Eventually the dreamer was asked what the monsters looked like, to which the dreamer cocked her head quizzically, 'I don't know, I'm always running away from them." At that juncture a choice was created, namely to turn and face that which was chasing her. The following night, the dreamer again had her usual nightmare, except this time at the pivotal moment when she'd normally spring awake to escape, she paused and turned to face the monsters. Instead of pouncing on her and devouring her as expected, the monsters stopped in front of her and she was able to look at each one and see that each had a distinct emotional aspect which instead of frightening aroused immense compassion and then she woke up, never to have the dream again.

What other clues can be useful? Consider the individuals present? What I found revelatory was the learning that the presence of a key figure, eg. Father, ex-partner was less about them and more what they represent about ourselves. The psyche is breathtakingly ingenious in using familiar figures to speak to ourselves about parts of us we've neglected. When did we last feel like that? What does that person represent about ourselves that we deny, project or repress? Why?

The Outside-In effect

Dreams however are not immune to external influences. If our role or habits sees us relentlessly exposed to hardship, bad news, tragedy or sorrow this will have an effect cumulatively. It is staggeringly naive, if not down right irresponsible, to disregard a diet of horror and humiliation. These visuals, films, videos, gifs or tweets are all equisitly filed and remembered, each and every one leaving a distinct albeit imperceptible imprint on our psyche. Our Central Nervous System can consequently be soothed and balanced by this or stimulated and stressed by this barrage of bad news. There is a reason that subliminal advertising has been illegal in the UK at least since 1958. So what to do about that? If our job sees us exposed to the darker side of life, how do we nurture our psyche so we aren't afflicited with dreams of tension and apocalypse?

Walking the paradox - balancing our experience, using our focus

"Where your attention goes, your energy flows", is an old personal development adage,and as is the case with cliches, it's long lasting for a reason, there is truth there. The answer to managing our internal experience is balance, choice and discipline. Noone is victim to what they are subjected, unless they agree to that statement. Working in the Intelligence Community for a decade saw me exposed to some of the most savage ways humans can inflict harm on each other, and yet simultaneously I had the privilege of working in groups of some of the funniest and most able individuals I've ever had the pleasure to call team mates. It's why emergency responders have gallow humour and a dry joke is the best way to break tension. Those techniques are not flippancy, they are effective interventions to remind the self that life is good and bad, horror and happy, laughter and despair. It's the eternal paradox of being alive, taking our roles seriously, but never ourselves and isn't that worth dreaming about?

What's the real question?

"Worry presupposes such a knowledge of the situation, that it is in fact a form of hubris." (Terrence McKenna) A recent poll with clients revealed that the most popular question they'd like answered was '"How do I motivate my team when the future is so uncertain, Office return dates a movable feast and I'm not sure and am struggling myself?"

The pivotal piece in that quandary is what do you define as motivation? Is it reassuring people? Assuaging anxiety? Giving answerse? Or guiding in the face of ambiguity? That may seem semantics, but the clarity is key and helps the team leader, Function Head or CEO answer perhaps a deeper question 'what is the real reason for my being in this position?'

The Purpose of worry

After a lifetime of studying the I Ching, We Po Yang, a great Daoist was asked what he had discoverd, 'That worrying is preposterous.' Martha Beck states in her lively blog that the etymological root of worry is 'to strangle'. If I pause for a moment and look at my own worry, it's invariably a concern that the current frustration or feeling of being stymied is going to continue in perpetuity and that isn't a future I want. So somehow by emotionally wriggling in the moment, I can exert some mytholoigcal influence to divert that unhappy outcome. Whilst endearing that magical thinking is futile, a childlike fantasty that avoids the present that's causing disquiet.

So what is it to motivate?

It's not parenting. So often in organisations in a bid to direct or expedite processes, dynamics can arise that are reflective of childhood. The critical parent, the powerless child, the 'tell me what to do' infantile abrogation of responsibility. This isn't indicative of an inept business, this kind of dynamic can work to a point, but when that point is reached, a new level maturity is demanded. A new level that involves the inevitable changing of behaviours that can cause us to squirm with resentment at the discomfort.

So what is motivation as a leader? It's looking after yourself first. In uncertain times, the most powerful leadership is often the lightest touch. The individual whose being looked at the most (and that might not be the 'official leader') is the one who exudes a quiet authority, a recognition of the reality of the moment with a firm focus on the promise of the future. It's not unicorns and rainbows but hard work and managing internal angst. This is not to be confused with the iconic superhero whose above emotions, tha's delusion (if not pathology). Instead this is the person who can manage their own emotional maelstrom and come out wiser, who knows not to make decisions when they are feeling out of balance, and trusts that they have the resources to resurface and recommence. This type of self awareness takes cultivation and courage, it's vigiland against slipping into blame or victimhood because that way  path to mayhem and disempowerment lies.

Where does the team feature in this?

The team are also individuals required to take ownership of their own emotional states. It is not incumbent on a boss to nanny. It is the boss' responsibility to set the conditions for success. What does that look like in practise? It could be regular check ins, listening deeply, compassionately for some time, offering scope for support through development opportunities. It's communicating even when there is nothing to say and saying when nothing has changed. It's honesty, it's courage, it's being the example you want your team to emulate, all of which are the very elements of what it is to reassure.

What is the real answer?

So the reason a leader is in their position is to guide, to set the compass, steer the direction. They need to ensure the team is with them, so it's not narcissistic abandonment nor is it being everyone's friend. It's believing in the team, looking above their worries and seeing their potential and speaking to that, not the worries and anxieties which are self preserving mental constructs. 

There is no play book for the current times. In fact doing what worked previoulsy can be injurious to the very survival of an organisation. Now it's about innovation, imagining outside the current paradigm. To truly imagine requires conditions of calm, balance and anticipation, all of which come from within.

The paradox in doing all of that? You motivate your team, creating calm, even excitement that we are all in this together and if that is the case-what is there to worry about?

Joseph Le Doux is a name that may mean nothing to you, it didn't to me, until I discovered that he was the neuroscientist linked to the deepest research on fear. Thinking I knew a little about fear and the amygdala, as well as personal experience of it on Military Operations, I was intrigued to discover that Joseph LeDoux thinks we have fear all wrong. "I am often said to have identified the amygdala as the brain's 'fear centre'. But the fact is I have not done this, nor has anyone else." (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/i-got-mind-tell-you/201508/the-amygdala-is-not-the-brains-fear-center) LeDoux goes on to make the point that the amygdala has become virtually synonymous with fear, when in fact that is really an interpretation of a finding. So what is the truth and how can we manage the gripping, cold tension that is the feeling of fear?

Fear is a composite - feeling and thinking

It transpires that the amygdala is responsible for our non-conscious reaction to threat but this is not to be confused with the emotional feeling of fear. The amygdala secretes a cocktail of neurochemicals that alert the body that something important is happening and to pay attention. However, the feeling of being afraid, Le Doux argues is from another circuit that coalesces memories, perception and attention to add, what I call, an interpretative layer, that creates that clutching of the stomach reaction.

Social Transmission of Fear

How does this help in the here and now? One of the things I'm grateful for is the constant recurrent exposure to feelings of fear when training in the Army. It helped me to recognise another important psychological phenomena, namely social transmission and fear. This idea is brillantly explored in the Mindfield series on Youtube, where an observer watches a participant undergo shocks in an experiment when watching various images. When the observer then undertakes the same experiement, unbeknownst to them, they won't be receiving the shocks the previous participant did. However, the sheer anticipation of the experience this observer saw unfold previously, was enough to see their scores exceed that of the previous encumbent. So in essence, watching someone experience fear causes us to expect and create more fear before we've even begun the same scenario.

So what can I do to feel less afraid?

The first step that is often overlooked is what we ingest, not food, but media. The brain is incredibly sensitive and yet we blithely expose this exquisite organ to all manner of data and then are surprised when it has a negative effect. It's helpful to remember that when I decide to do something, for a split second an image flashes into my conscious mind. It's the reason that subliminal advertising is effective (and illegal), because the visual imprints so effectively and results in a subtle suggestion. Harnessing this is incredibly helpful. Intentionally orientating focus, attention and awareness on imagery (social media, LinkedIn, Netflix) can install images that either uplift or appall. Next is what is read or heard. Again not rocket science, it's the basis for all news print. However,  mindlessly reading violent, aggressive, antagonistic writing doesn't leave you unscathed. It is remembered, engenders an emotional response and that emotion is a neurochemical that is now one more thing cruising your system, either making you feel better (serotonin, domapmine) or worse (adrenaline, cortisol).

Intentionality is the new secret weapon

Now more than ever the secret to balance and enjoying these remarkable times is getting into the driver's seat of your own experience. Passivity will cause pain, albeit subtle. Deliberately seeking out teachers and materials that educate, reassure, comfort, encourage and teach is pivotal. It's not toxic positivity 'turn that smile upside down', that's delusion. Instead it's the art of true discipline, not allowing your phone to act as your pacifier, but choosing to steer your critical attention that is all to easily commoditised in the direction of what will elevate rather than subjugate.

Fear is a part of being human but it doesn't have to be a destiny. This pandemic will pass and Societies will rise again, now more than ever is a prime oppportunity to shape a brain that masters fear rather than is marinaded by it. Good luck.