There are alot of people who are thriving during this pandemic,  extolling the virtues of powering through pain, or chastising you for not setting big, hairy audacious dreams during lockdown 2.0. Others publish rapid weight loss pictures, a shadow of their former selves. Some are in niche industries growing exponentially, profits sky rocketing, a veritable gravy train working record hours, sprinting to keep up as the coffers keep filling.

And then there are those who are not.

There are I believe many, many who are silently suffering right now. Who wake each day, perhaps a fraction early, secreting themselves away, so they can privately grieve. Then once those feelings are released, or perhaps better said the pressure is temporarily reduced, all of that emotional suffering is boxed back up and a face of positivity is presented to the world. It reminds me of a Robin Williams quote: "All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never know how broken you are." So it is to them, the silently suffering I'd like to share some ideas to alleviate that inner pain.

Speak to others, but choose them wisely

A problem shared is a problem halved. Except not always. Choosing the individual judiciously to whom we share our inner angst is critical. I've sat and listened to tales of exquisite agony by individuals who sought out support, only to find that the alleged supporter weaponsied the moment, assumed a position of superiority by divulging how they in contrast were doing great. Resulting in the sharer slinking away feeling inadequate and shamed. This kind of belittling is subtle but achingly corrosive and often borne out of choosing our allies quickly because of the urgency of the upset, rather than wisely because we deserve to take our time. It is an act of singular courage to open up and admit upset, if that act of valour is not met with honour, walk away and promise yourself that individual will never be invited to your inner sanctum again.

Compassion for others is wisdom, compassion for the self is essential

Clients frequently shudder when I raise the question of self compassion, but I've come to recognise that that is often borne of a misapprehension. Namely, that self compassion is synonymous with self pity. This could not be further from the truth. Dr Kristin Neff, a researcher into self compassion created the self compassion scale that self diagnoses how compassionate you are to yourself. (https://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/ ). Why is this important? First, it's key to answer the concerns that often arise in the face of self kindness: 'I'll lose my edge', 'it's just self indulgent, navel gazing', 'you've got to push through, otherwise you'll dissolve into a puddle of passivity.' I've heard all of these and many more and as Dr Neff has categorically evidenced this is simply, scientifically, not the case. If its high performance that motivates you, then those who show greater levels of self compassion demonstrate increased resilience and are more able to sustain through periods of adversity. More Neff research speaks to how self compassion reduces feelings of hopelessness and helplessness as it cultivates an inner support, contingent on the self, rather than external validation which can be unreliable.

My simpler position is this, if I, you, can't be kind to yourself when you're suffering, how can we extend that meaningfully to others? If being compassionate raises revulsion in yourself ask gently, with curiousity, why is that? Do you equate suffering with weakness? Is hurting a sign of inadequacy for you? If so,where did that come from and perhaps more key, is being like that to yourself helping or harming? After all, would you turn to a little toddler who'd just fallen over and say, 'Get up you little dummy?' Hopefully not. Any parent wants to sweep up the cute bundle of smallness, reassure, cuddle, coax a smile and then see them on their way-don't you deserve that same support?

Compare but don't compete

 'Comparison is the thief of joy.' (Teddy Rosevelt) Humans compare, we scope, size up and then judge ourselves on where we are comparative to where we think we should be. It's a crucifying process and cripplingly self defeating because there will always be those futher along, thriving, thinner and so on. There is a way however, of using that comparative tendency for good and that's in gently challenging our inner narrative of 'hard done by'. If I find myself slipping into a moment of self pity, the first step I take is one of self compassion. Dismissing or trashing feelings of depletion doesn't see them quietly pack their bags and leave, heads nodding in agreeement at their inadequacy. Repression or suppression leads to projection. That which I bury in myself, I simply push out. The outward picture therefore being a consequence of an inward condition. So self compassion first to accept where I am. Next step is a nod to the past, namely the deliberate recollection of surviving worse, moving through hard times and the transient nature of each moment, good and bad. Finally, it's the exercising of my old ally humility. Yes, I maybe suffering and yes, the situation maybe unfair, unwarranted, unjust but also there are those who've suffered far, far worse. The survivors of the explosion in Beirut, Damien Echols and his freedom from a decade of solitary confinement after a total miscarriage of injustice or the utterly inspiring and humbling biography of Sue Klebold, who in her book A Mother's Reckoning (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mothers-Reckoning-Living-Aftermath-Tragedy/dp/1101902752)recounts a hauntingly exquisite capture of learning to live with the actions of her son Dylan Klebold at Columbine. They are extreme comparisons I choose, and I choose them deliberately. If those individuals can survive such agonising experiences, and not only survive, but go onto become the very best examples of humanity, then so can I, and in that moment, the self pity will part and I will chuckle at my narrative.

Challenge your inner voice

There is one person who we listen to all day, every day. Ourselves. Or better said, the composite, internal narrative which is a melding of all and every influence we've retained on life's long journey. Some of those voices have been kind, wise, insightful and helpful. Others less so, some down right demonic. Just like watching a TV channel is a choice, so is how much attention we dedicate to our inner soliloquy. YouTube, Facebook, Reddit, Instagram are all platforms vying for our data, our attention. Our mind is no different. We can pause, hold awareness and focus on an inner lecture that helps or we can swipe right. It is a choice, subsequent on our agreement. For many of those I am privileged to support, the challenging of the mind is one of the greatest epiphanies. You do not have to believe every thought, nor do you have to listen to it. You can turn away- exercise that control, execute on that mandate, be your best protector.

Acceptance and Patience

In these days of instant gratification, feeling impotent or not being able to influence change can quickly escalate into confrontation. The feeling of discomfort, of a situation not being as we like, can cause an emotional squirming of toddler like intolerance. We aren't children any more. Life is not fair and frequently good people lose and bad people win. Acceptance I find is one of the most sophisticated life lessons, true masterclass level. It's a tight rope of balancing judgement with a craze for action. So many times, the phrase 'Control the controllables' is trotted out in workshops and indeed it's true, but it doesn't mean it's easy. I want to control that insanely noisey neighbour who is thoughtless and intrusive, I want to control that work colleague whose let me down again and not delivered on time and in budget. The red mist of anger and injustice can be thick, heavy and compulsive, but ultimately inaction is often the wisest path. Patience isn't passivity. It's phenomenal discipline borne out of a recognition that in this moment I am not deciding with my right mind and it would be wise to wait until that access is restored. Accepting things as they are, rather than as we would like them to be, is painful, often grief inducing but it is the mark of wisdom. Frustration can be never ending, a desire to push things along because relief is the other side of this obstacle right now. But relief isn't a distant dream, it's here, now within our grasp and knowing we can assuage that angst within and by ourselves? That has to be the greatest freeing thought of all.