Acceptance has to be by far the hardest life skill, or it certainly has been the case in my own experience. I've always been struck how waftily the concept is spoken about in books. A simple matter of 'letting go', 'surrendering', 'allowing' or perhaps worst the knowledgable sage shaking their head dictating, 'it is what it is'. However, the human spirit and frankly nature isn't one that caves so easily. We have plans, dreams, ambitions, aspirations and reality ought to damn well get in line with those expectations. This nexus point of realism and aspiration is keenly felt in that spot called frustration, the exquisitely constraining experince of being held back and perceiving events conspiring against us. As the UK kicks off a New Year that looks eerily un-new, lockdown 3.0 affords a saturnian opportunity to exercise this muscle of acceptance in a way that maybe unwelcome, but is indubitably wise.
Acceptance: The non-linear journey
A personal story perhaps illustrates my own masterclass in acceptance. It's certainly not typified by grace and dignity and as a Coach I can't help but chuckle at my own tenacity or more honestly stubborness, but it does demonstrate the pain of acceptance and the benefit to the self of getting there authentically-not deluding ourselves or pretending with eyes covered that it's 'fine'. Self deceit is pernicious and we are often our most critical audience, so the process for me wasn't without real,true, stress and I believe to be done properly and definitively, i.e crossing that particularly bridge only once, won't be without pain generally.
The teacher of acceptance for me was the property developer who took on the two penthouse flats in my development in London and elected to gut them both consecutively. This process began back at the end of 2019, a time of freedom and travel, so the noise and intrusion wasn't taxing. The start of 2020 was much the same, work and travel took me away from any length of exposture but as the first lockdown in March 2020 kicked in, the enormity of the noise landed with a bang. Drilling, hammering, masonry demolished, this ear splitting cacophany began at 8am and continued unabated until 5pm, with little respite at the weekend seeing much of Saturday dedicated to futher demolition.
At first conversations were civil albeit strained- how long would this last? Given the unprecedented times, could there be some kind of noise reduction (preferably stopping, forever, now)? However, as time continued and the noise began to drill into every corner of the waking day, with little in the way of escape except drawn out food shopping visits and walks in parks, civilities gave way to impatience. The developer was intractable, the property management a puppet. Exchanges became more combative and I despaired at the absence of compassion, empathy or frankly humanity. Tenants who could moved out, flat owners joined the flow of complaints and still the noise continued all day, every day.
Recognising self defeating behaviours
As an ex-Officer of Sandhurst, values such as honour, integrity and selfless sacrifice had been drilled into me and I was flummoxed by the utter lack of compromise or flexibility. My determination grew stronger, periods of driling recorded, the concept of the benefit of many outweighing the corporate greed of the few advanced, all met with deaf ears and derision. As parents will know and indeed those trained in the art of interrogation, endless, unceasing noise is acutely damaging to the Central Nervous Sytem. Patience becomes frayed, emotional regulation imparied and sleep interrupted. Rationalism is replaced with distorted perception, the body craving silence to repair the neuronal activity of a battered brain. There is a desperate edge to behaviour with the fight and flight system on perennial hyper vigilance. All in all not a receipe for constructive discussion.
So what happened next? Did it end with peace and satisfaction? Was Christmas typified by silence and a serene respite? No.
Brick walls - everyone's is spaced differently
I slammed into my own brick wall. No matter how many emails I carefully crafted, no matter how many irrefutable examples of ear shattering drilling I recorded, the situation continued. The permission had been given, the conversions were happening and I was utterly powerless to make things otherwise. It sounds oddly obvious that statement, but for that to sink in to a deep existetntial level is cripplingly painful. I've always subscribed to taking action, driving forward, around or even through obstacles, persisting, persevering, molding reality to fit my picture, but this time, despite all efforts to the contrary my endeavours were categorically futile. The quote above by Tolkein is so apt for acceptance. It's a brutal honest admission that we do not, without caveat, want the current reality, in fact we would do almost anything for it to be otherwise, but we now know we can't. Resistance only allows the emotional anguish to persist and the casualty in that war is always you.
Hitting that brick wall is different for everyone. For me it took well over 6 months of almost all out war, a testimony to my strength of spirit but more self damagingly my refusal to accept what was, which if I'd done more quickly would have seen me suffer significantly less. Instead I had to wander the lonely highway of Elizabeth Kubler Ross' stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, eventually acceptance. It's a hard won destination, not completed linearly and sometimes, perhaps sometimes not reached at all. That place of acceptance demands loss, a letting go of a 'should' reality. It acknowledges what we all fear-our impotence, our lack of control and influence. It demands a recognition tha the world does not work to our standards, isn't fair and the good guys don't win. However, perhaps that is what wisdom demands-a collapse of hubris, not into bitterness or cynicism but an embracing of humility and a reduction in our hungry egos.
2021: The year of acceptance?
The lesson of acceptance when finally reached, sees a sweeping away of the old ruins of dreams that now seem dated and deluded. However, that clearing of rubble is also the laying of foundations for something new, deeper and more mature. The child like need for instant gratification is replaced by the patience of a more strategic soul. It takes conscious, deliberate sustained effort though and I suspect that is a good place to start when looking out at the vista of 2021. For much of the world and certainly the UK, lockdown demands an acceptance of the status quo. A short term sacrifice for a long term gain. However, that short term can feel like a life sentence and any constraint on freedom can appear almost blasphemous in a democracy. Acceptance is not passivity, and certainly not defeat. Acceptance is the wise soul seeing how things are and recognising the fraility of being human. That our dreams can be bold but if we fly too close to the sun, we are no different to Icarus and will fall. There is courage in acceptance and yes, some grief, but the alternative is far more destructive. Railing against a reality we don't like, won't make it change, but it will change us, into bitter, angry and unkind folk and I for one, having occupied that space for some time in 2020, have no desire to return.