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As Lockdown 2.0 for London tip toes to a close, and 2020 begins it's final month, this has without exception been one of the most gruelling years in memory. The excruciating stripping down of liberties, slicing away of small joys and tearing away of the company of loved ones, has been crushing. Slowly and unflinchingly this pandemic decimated any flimsy defences and exposed our humanity, our frailities and most of all what makes life so worth living. This is a post for everyone whose read my blog during the lock downs, a written salute to your courage and fortitude, your grit, determination, tears and heart crushing despair. This article is dedicated to those who continued, who quietly despaired and still got out of bed, who bought coffee and watched it go cold, who listened to loved ones despite hope flickering. You're here, you held and so now we look ahead. But before we do, let's take a look back. No saccharine platitiudes about clouds and silver linings or best thing that ever happened. This was not. It was dark, desperate and bleak and it's changed us all. But the change is worth acknowledging, looking at our new selves, matured, wiser, stronger and yes scarred. A moment to honour all that's been endured.

Looking to the Self for support

Friends were not always within reach, family not close by, loved ones frequently in another town, another house, another timezone. This has been the year of being the hero of our story and recognising it wasn't like the movies. This hero got up even when there was nothing to get up for. This hero made food, kept breathing and persevered even when the business shut down, the job was lost, the bank balance depleted. This was the hero who didn't wear a cape or have Marvel copyright their movements, but who smiled when there was nothing to provoke joy, who led the team when they were sick to their stomach, who made decisions with no precedent and no guarantee. This was the hero who held on, hung in there and kept putting one foot after the other, despite disapointment and fear. This was the hero who was in the badlands and kept walking. You did it. You're here.

 Managing emotions that seemed almost overwhelming

For some of us there was gutting loss, a business, a loved one, an opportunity, a pet, all of which was attended by feelings of grief, hopelessness and sorrow. For others of us it was a time of frustration, exhaustion, boredom and anger and others still grind, hope, excitement as work boomed and opportunities abound. Whatever your emotional panopoly, the power was in surfing the experience with grace and dignity, deeply appreciating that no matter what you faced, how daunting, uncomfortable or distressing, you had the resources to continue, to persist and ultimately to prevail. This has been the year of initiation in the mastery of our own emotional landscapes. Looking at the vistas we have traversed, the dark valleys and the heady heights and all of that was accomplished by one person, you, alone. Perhaps you were blessed with constant support, perhaps not, but 2020 ensured that invariably the onus was on you to manage the majority alone. A heavy Sisyphus moment of the soul, pushing your own rock forward up your personal mountain. Success or failure in your own fragile hands. Mastering how we feel is the work of warriors. It takes time to rein in the demons and to force the sunshine when only darkness seems to permeate our experience. We've flooded our days with hope and equally, perhaps, allowed that very same hope to dwindle as we ourselves faltered. But the muscle has been built and strengthened and that kind of learning never fades, forged in our very fibre.

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Progress wasn't outside it was inside

This pandemic was the Goliath to our David. Progress was hard to forge. Pushing ahead was met with one obstacle after another, false starts, rugs pulled, false summits. Until the dawning realisation came that ultimately the learning was inside. Could I learn to accept? To allow? To scream in the face of the unjust but recognise this is how things are, for now? Not forever, but for now. The wisdom of Solomon was foisted upon us and so the work of maturity came into play. Chopping wood, carrying water, doing the basics, getting them right and looking at our current status quo and finding joy where we could. In the eyes of our loved one, our children, our pet, our parent, our friend. Those who'd previously we'd rushed past, pushed thorugh or even passed off as not important, now were painted in a different light. Fresh new appreciations dawned, closer conversations, re-alignments on previous ground that had been so diametrically opposed. Truces were made in the face of the cruelty of COVID. What we had was suddenly alot, with so much being taken away. Zoom coffees deepened into conversations about what really mattered, sharing our vulnerabilities and seeking to really connect in a way perhaps previously we'd shunned. It was about the heart, virtual hugs that allowed our shared humanity to shine thorugh. I see you. You see me. We witnessed each other, the greatest gift that you can give another human-to be seen, to be heard, testimony borne to our significance.

Re-prioritisation: Recognising what mattered

It wasn't footballers, Hollywood superstars or CEOs of billion dollar corporates who garnered our respect. It was the bin men, the nurses, the doctors, the shelf stackers, truck drivers and caregivers. It was to them we looked with newly humbled eyes. An all new appreciation for the work of plumbers, frontline workers who kept things ticking when the pandemic wanted to stop the clock, the indomitable forces of human will pushing beyond fear, beyond anxiety and keeping on for the benefit of those other than ourselves. That selfless sacrifice and commmitment to a higher cause, humanity at its best. Simple pleasures, the baking of bread, the sharing of laughter, the smiles through windows, screens, those exquisite, basic human needs brought into sharp focus. May that re-prioritsation last, may it be about matters of the heart and soul that continue post pandemic, rather than materialism and self promotion. 

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Leading a new kind of life

As the world moved through 2020, there was no doubt that for some of us leadership failed, fundamentally not providing, despite promising otherwise. Memories will remain, but what that offered was a new kind of choice. The chance to decide who we would be, who we could become despite the prevailing example. In many ways 2020 has been like a kiln, hardening attitudes, stiffening differences, concretising polarisations. Yet paradoxically it has offered the ultimate pause, the ultimate intercession to create new habits, focus our attention to create new perspectives and perceive more fairly, more humanely, with more compassion. As 2021 beckons at the end of the dark tunnel that has been 2020, these are the hard won achievements we take on. Practising those habits in whatever the new paradigm will be, is the only way of signalling that all the suffering was worth it. Whilst I'd wish no repeat of 2020, and my heart bows to the loss of so many, I do take with me into 2021 a new won deepened wonder at the beautiful horror of life, and it's that bewitching combination that I look forward to sharing with you all.